All kinds of emotions hit me as I think about what happened 2 years ago on this very night: I lost my baby! Only for a minute or two, but the reality is the same.
As I think about that night, the first emotion that comes to me is anger. How could the ER doctor send home a 3 week old baby who wasn't eating or breathing right not once, but TWICE?!?!? They thought I was crazy for bringing Brayton back the second time. They treated me like I didn't know what I was talking about, that it was just a "cold." I get angry when I think about how different things may have turned out had they admitted him sooner or at least called in a pediatrician. I get angry at myself for not going straight to Jackson when I knew something was wrong.
Remembering that night, two years ago, my heart breaks. I watched my sweet angel turn blue before my eyes. It is like a bad movie that keeps replaying in my mind. So many people ran into the room. I remember calling my mom and telling her I needed her. I remember my sister being the first person to get there. I remember Aunt Becky coming up and going in Brayton's room to check on him for me. I remember the fear. I have never felt fear the way I did that night. I couldn't stop shaking. Then I remember...the prayer.
It is amazing how God is in the midst of our suffering. He is there even when you think he isn't. I remember right when I got off the phone with mom, Cynthia Sprague, the nursing assistant asked if I was ok. I simply said, "no." She wrapped me in her arms and she prayed. I don't remember the exact words she said, but I remember God wrapping his arms around me. I remember and still feel the calmness and peace that took over my fear. I can't describe it and I will never be able to, but God totally took over. I was able to walk into Brayton's room after they had him stable and hold his hand. I was able to answer questions with clarity. God gave me strength.
During the helicopter ride, something happened to Brayton. They cut my headphones off so I wouldn't hear them talk about it. I was scared again, and God sent a shooting star right in front of me. Something so simple, yet so Amazing. I have not looked at a shooting star the same since that night.
So tonight, as I relive these emotions, do I question God? Do I ask why? Do I get angry at him? Of course. I am human. But because of the things He did for me that night and is still doing for me, I have grown and changed. I KNOW without a shadow of the doubt that there is a reason. God has plans that were beyond what happened that night. I may not know why he chose us for this road, but I accept it. Lives have been touched because of our experience. MY life has been touched because of this. I will never take a single breathe for granted again.
So tonight, hold your children close. Shower them with kisses. Let them talk and sing a little past bedtime tonight. Let them dance! Then as they go to sleep, watch them breathe and pray for them!
