Today has been a "weird" day for me. I have had a funny feeling all day and it wasn't until I was in the shower tonight that it hit me...today is AUGUST 30th.
All kinds of emotions hit me as I think about what happened 2 years ago on this very night: I lost my baby! Only for a minute or two, but the reality is the same.
As I think about that night, the first emotion that comes to me is anger. How could the ER doctor send home a 3 week old baby who wasn't eating or breathing right not once, but TWICE?!?!? They thought I was crazy for bringing Brayton back the second time. They treated me like I didn't know what I was talking about, that it was just a "cold." I get angry when I think about how different things may have turned out had they admitted him sooner or at least called in a pediatrician. I get angry at myself for not going straight to Jackson when I knew something was wrong.
Remembering that night, two years ago, my heart breaks. I watched my sweet angel turn blue before my eyes. It is like a bad movie that keeps replaying in my mind. So many people ran into the room. I remember calling my mom and telling her I needed her. I remember my sister being the first person to get there. I remember Aunt Becky coming up and going in Brayton's room to check on him for me. I remember the fear. I have never felt fear the way I did that night. I couldn't stop shaking. Then I remember...the prayer.
It is amazing how God is in the midst of our suffering. He is there even when you think he isn't. I remember right when I got off the phone with mom, Cynthia Sprague, the nursing assistant asked if I was ok. I simply said, "no." She wrapped me in her arms and she prayed. I don't remember the exact words she said, but I remember God wrapping his arms around me. I remember and still feel the calmness and peace that took over my fear. I can't describe it and I will never be able to, but God totally took over. I was able to walk into Brayton's room after they had him stable and hold his hand. I was able to answer questions with clarity. God gave me strength.
During the helicopter ride, something happened to Brayton. They cut my headphones off so I wouldn't hear them talk about it. I was scared again, and God sent a shooting star right in front of me. Something so simple, yet so Amazing. I have not looked at a shooting star the same since that night.
So tonight, as I relive these emotions, do I question God? Do I ask why? Do I get angry at him? Of course. I am human. But because of the things He did for me that night and is still doing for me, I have grown and changed. I KNOW without a shadow of the doubt that there is a reason. God has plans that were beyond what happened that night. I may not know why he chose us for this road, but I accept it. Lives have been touched because of our experience. MY life has been touched because of this. I will never take a single breathe for granted again.
So tonight, hold your children close. Shower them with kisses. Let them talk and sing a little past bedtime tonight. Let them dance! Then as they go to sleep, watch them breathe and pray for them!
Welcome to my blog! This is mainly the story of my son, Brayton Cade Moak. His life is a testimony to me, and many others. I hope this blog encourages those of you who are going through difficult times, who have sick kids, who are lacking faith, and who need a reason to believe in miracles. I never thought that I would see a miracle, much less give birth to one. My son, my precious angel, is my miracle. His story, as well as his father's and my story, will hopefully fill your spirit with love! God is good!